Shooting Logic in the Head

Shooting elephants in a barrel
March 7th, 2007
Italics by Coultergeist
Logic and Reason by Billie Shears
Research Assistance by Jack Mumby

Lewis Libby has now been found guilty of perjury and obstruction of justice for lies that had absolutely no legal consequence.

That is just such a shame. I mean, all the resources wasted, all the time spent, all the media coverage, tearing apart this poor man's life over something with absolutely no legal consequence? Let us hope this is the first and last time in our history that every happens. Just think, this could lead the slippery slope into the investigation of one's sex life as grounds for impeachment.

It was not a crime to reveal Valerie Plame's name because she was not a covert agent. If it had been a crime, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald could have wrapped up his investigation with an indictment of the State Department's Richard Armitage on the first day of his investigation since it was Armitage who revealed her name and Fitzgerald knew it.

Actually, Annie, you're completely wrong. You see, Plame was under non-official cover, making what Scootah did illegal. (Ruh-roh!) And Armitage and Cheney will most likely end up in the "hot seat" during the civil suit being filed.

As a result, Libby is now a convicted felon for having a faulty memory of the person who first told him that Joe Wilson was a delusional boob who lied about his wife sending him to Niger.

This makes it official: It's illegal to be Republican.

I don't think it's illegal, but it certainly is harmful to your health. Just think of all the Republicans with faulty memories: Reagan, Bush, Scootah.

Since Teddy Kennedy walked away from a dead girl with only a wrist slap (which was knocked down to a mild talking-to, plus time served: zero), Democrats have apparently become a protected class in America, immune from criminal prosecution no matter what they do.

A Chappaquiddick reference? You know what that means! It's time for the death toll round up!
Chappaquiddick: 1 death
The ramifications of Libby's getting back at the Wilsons to get revenge on the criticisms of false intel would be ignored and we would go to war: Over 3,000 deaths
Picking and choosing which deaths you care about: Priceless.
There are some things logic can equate. For everything else, there's Coultergeist.

As a result, Democrats have run wild, accepting bribes, destroying classified information, lying under oath, molesting interns, driving under the influence, obstructing justice and engaging in sex with underage girls, among other things.

Oh, Annie. Annie, Annie, Annie. Let's go through this. We already proved that all of the Democrats that took bribes were convicted, and John Murtha wasn't one of them. Lying under oath is, by your definition at the very beginning of this alleged "column", a crime of no legal consequence. Engaging in sex with underage girls sounds suspiciously as bad as making sexual advances on underage boys, and driving under the influence? You really want to bring that up with Bush's history?

Meanwhile, conservatives of any importance constantly have to spend millions of dollars defending themselves from utterly frivolous criminal prosecutions. Everything is illegal, but only Republicans get prosecuted.

My bleeding liberal heart is, well, bleeding! These poor Republicans. It's amazing that they had any money to investigate big, bad Clinton, but apparently they had over forty million for that. Maybe Ken Starr could lend them some money? Or they could sell some more weapons to the Iranians? Just throwing stuff out there, trying to help.

Conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh was subjected to a three-year criminal investigation for allegedly buying prescription drugs illegally to treat chronic back pain. Despite the witch-hunt, Democrat prosecutor Barry E. Krischer never turned up a crime.

I know, "Whitewatergate" is so upsetting, what a waste of resources, I still can't belie- oh, wait. That wasn't what you were referring to? Oh, right, you were saying that drug addicts only get convicted for being republicans.

Even if he had, to quote liberal Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz: "Generally, people who illegally buy prescription drugs are not prosecuted." Unless they're Republicans.

The vindictive prosecution of Limbaugh finally ended last year with a plea bargain in which Limbaugh did not admit guilt. Gosh, don't you feel safer now? I know I do.

So, Ann, I'm a little slow. What you're arguing is that since the prosecution fails when it comes to drug addicts and you don't feel personally harmed by Limbaugh, he should not have been investigated for drug charges he ended up pleading guilty to? I should have guessed, given your lenient stance on drug addicts, and the fact that you went to law school, where they teach you that you need to pick and choose criminals for prosecution based on "feewings".

In another prescription drug case with a different result, last year, Rep. Patrick Kennedy (Democrat), apparently high as a kite on prescription drugs, crashed a car on Capitol Hill at 3 a.m. That's abuse of prescription drugs plus a DUI offense. Result: no charges whatsoever and one day of press on Fox News Channel.

Actually, Annita, that's provably false. Kennedy had taken legally obtained prescription drugs, unlike your buddy boy Rush, and a police report was filed. So you're advocating equal punishments for completely different crimes? I agree with you, I often advocate the death penalty for minor traffic violations.

I suppose one could argue those were different jurisdictions. How about the same jurisdiction?

More importantly, different crimes. He's guilty, but of something different. Reckless driving, a DUI. Maybe he can hire Bush's attorney for this one.

In 2006, Democrat and major Clinton contributor Jeffrey Epstein was nabbed in Palm Beach in a massive police investigation into his hiring of local underage schoolgirls for sex, which I'm told used to be a violation of some kind of statute in the Palm Beach area.

The police presented Limbaugh prosecutor Krischer with boatloads of evidence, including the videotaped statements of five of Epstein's alleged victims, the procurer of the girls for Epstein and 16 other witnesses.

But the same prosecutor who spent three years maniacally investigating Limbaugh's alleged misuse of back-pain pills refused to bring statutory rape charges against a Clinton contributor. Enraging the police, who had spent months on the investigation, Krischer let Epstein off after a few hours on a single count of solicitation of prostitution. The Clinton supporter walked, and his victims were branded as whores.

First of all, comparing a campaign contributor to the vice-president's right hand man is ridiculous. Scootah outranks Epstein a thousand times over. And the affidavit against the man never even alleged that the victims were minors. Also, once again your hypocrisy is stunning.

The Republican former House Whip Tom DeLay is currently under indictment for a minor campaign finance violation. Democratic prosecutor Ronnie Earle had to empanel six grand juries before he could find one to indict DeLay on these pathetic charges — and this is in Austin, Texas (the Upper West Side with better-looking people).

That final grand jury was so eager to indict DeLay that it indicted him on one charge that was not even a crime — and which has since been tossed out by the courts.

After winning his primary despite the indictment, DeLay decided to withdraw from the race rather than campaign under a cloud of suspicion, and Republicans lost one of their strongest champions in Congress.

Tom DeLay isn't the innocent little man you make him out to be. He'd been rebuked three times previously on the campaign finance violations, and this "liberal jury" was in Texas. Can you even FIND twelve Democrats in Texas?

Compare DeLay's case with that of Rep. William "The Refrigerator" Jefferson, Democrat. Two years ago, an FBI investigation caught Jefferson on videotape taking $100,000 in bribe money. When the FBI searched Jefferson's house, they found $90,000 in cash stuffed in his freezer. Two people have already pleaded guilty to paying Jefferson the bribe money.

Am I wrong in assuming that these bribe payers were social liberals? Wouldn't that debunk your assertions?

Two years later, Bush's Justice Department still has taken no action against Jefferson. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently put Rep. William Jefferson on the Homeland Security Committee.

Actually, he's still under investigation. Dry your eyes.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Democrat, engaged in a complicated land swindle, buying a parcel of land for $400,000 and selling it for over $1 million a few years later. (At least it wasn't cattle futures!)

Are you kidding me? How is this even remotely a crime? You're reaching into the bucket of tomfoolery in which "Whitewatergate" resides. Any responsibility for those pension funds you're referring to falls on his friend, not on Reid. And if we're looking at the friends of politicians as moral measuring sticks, let's closely examine Bush's friend "Kenny Boy" Lay.


Reid also received more than four times as much money from Jack Abramoff (nearly $70,000) as Tom DeLay ($15,000). DeLay returned the money; Reid refuses to do so. Why should he? He's a Democrat.

Here's the thing: Harry Reid had no apparent conflict of interest, because Abramoff's CLIENTS from whom he received donations did not sway his votes. He voted numerous times against bills his alleged "shady" donors were for. Besides that, the fundraising was deemed completely legal.

Former Clinton national security adviser Sandy Berger literally received a sentence of community service for stuffing classified national security documents in his pants and then destroying them — big, fat federal felonies.

Amazing that you bring this up when Ollie North, who was indicted on sixteen charges and the main man on the Iran-Contra scandal served a three-year suspended sentence, two-year probation, and $150,000, which was then overturned.

But Scooter Libby is facing real prison time for forgetting who told him about some bozo's wife.

Bill Clinton was not even prosecuted for obstruction of justice offenses so egregious that the entire Supreme Court staged a historic boycott of his State of the Union address in 2000.

Bill Clinton was facing being forced out of office for not wanting to reveal his sexual exploits. Come on, Ann. I know you possess at least a singular iotum of common sense.

By contrast, Linda Tripp, whose only mistake was befriending the office hosebag and then declining to perjure herself, spent millions on lawyers to defend a harassment prosecution based on far-fetched interpretations of state wiretapping laws.

That and being a partisan hack bent on bringing down a president for her fifteen minutes of fame. And here, yet another incident where conservative hacks have no regard for Constitutional privacy, but no time for that exploration here.

Liberal law professors currently warning about the "high price" of pursuing terrorists under the Patriot Act had nothing but blood lust for Tripp one year after Clinton was impeached (Steven Lubet, "Linda Tripp Deserves to be Prosecuted," New York Times, 8/25/99).

Translation.

Criminal prosecution is a surrogate for political warfare, but in this war, Republicans are gutless appeasers.

Bush has got to pardon Libby.

Good luck, Annie. Libby will have to fill out a Federal Pardon Application, on which he will have to describe in detail the nature of and his involvement in his conviction. Which means going into detail about Armitage, Cheney, and Bush. That's a risk your boys won't be willing to take. The only way to make the close of this thorough Ann-kicking is to polish off some liberally fattening ice cream.