February 14th

JONATHAN LIVINGSTON OBAMA
February 14, 2007
Italics by Coultergeist
Logic and Reason by Billie Shears


I've caught Obama fever! Obamamania, Obamarama, Obama, Obama, Obama. (I just pray to God this is clean, renewable electricity I'm feeling.)

Oh, I get it, I get it, you think you're incredibly witty because you're making fun of those who are concerned about our oil consumption and both the foreign policy and environmental ramifications of this. That's a good one, really high caliber right there.

Only white guilt could explain the insanely hyperbolic descriptions of Obama's "eloquence." His speeches are a run-on string of embarrassing, sophomoric Hallmark bromides.

Yeah tell me about it, I was wincing each time he searched for the end of the expression, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Oh wait, no, that was the man we elected president. You see, I was confused by your new dedication to the syntax and delivery of presidential candidacy speeches, given the fact that Bush's molestation of the English language has never before bothered you.

In announcing his candidacy last week, Obama confirmed that he believes in "the basic decency of the American people."

You do realize that it's YOUR base, not his, that voted mainly on "moral values", and that you championed Bush's "moral values"? And yet, when a Democrat speaks about decency, you're up in arms.

And let the chips fall where they may! Obama forthrightly decried "a smallness of our politics" — deftly slipping a sword into the sides of the smallness-in-politics advocates. (To his credit, he somehow avoided saying, "My fellow Americans, size does matter.")

I know you don't understand metaphors so good but let me help you out: he wasn't, in fact talking about the actual size of politics, but the obvious lack of diversity in politics. I know you don't think women should have the right to vote, so diversity in politics probably doesn't bother you (see Treason), but it's actually a valid concern. Unlike latent homosexuality, your area of apparent expertise.

He took a strong stand against the anti-hope crowd, saying: "There are those who don't believe in talking about hope." Take that, Hillary!

God, that is so weird! He's taking a shot at an opponent! Next thing you know, Obama will be running ads slandering Hilary's heroic military record when he's in actuality a Vietnam draft dodger! Oh, sorry, I seem to have a bout of dementia, I'm stuck in Shrub's '04 policies again.

Most weirdly, he said: "I recognize there is a certain presumptuousness in this — a certain audacity — to this announcement." What is so audacious about announcing that you're running for president? Any idiot can run for president. Dennis Kucinich is running for president. Until he was imprisoned, Lyndon LaRouche used to run for president constantly. John Kerry ran for president. Today, all you have to do is suggest a date by which U.S. forces in Iraq should surrender, and you're officially a Democratic candidate for president.

That is SO TRUE. Any idiot CAN run for president, and if his daddy has friends on the Supreme Court, he can steal the title! To my knowledge, no Democrat has suggested "a date by which U.S. forces in Iraq should surrender", but, unlike the Republicans, recognize that perhaps we should not stay in Iraq until the polar ice caps melt and change the face of the earth, making it a non-issue. But I get it, if you want our troops to stop dying, you're anti-American and pro-Democrat!

Obama made his announcement surrounded by hundreds of adoring Democratic voters. And those were just the reporters.

Aww, did ickle Annie not get invited to big bad Obama's speech? Poor wittle Annie!

There were about 400 more reporters at Obama's announcement than Mitt Romney's, who, by the way, is more likely to be sworn in as our next president than B. Hussein Obama.

OH MAN, HIS MIDDLE NAME IS THE LAST NAME OF THAT GUY WE OVERTHREW! WE CAN'T VOTE HIM IN! And by what polls do you think Mitt Romney's even going to get the Republican ticket? Keep dreaming, crazy.

Obama has locked up the Hollywood money. Even Miss America has endorsed Obama. (John "Two Americas" Edwards is still hoping for the other Miss America to endorse him.) But Obama tells us he's brave for announcing that he's running for president. And if life gives you lemons, make lemonade! I don't want to say that Obama didn't say anything in his announcement, but afterward, even Jesse Jackson was asking, "What did he say?"

That's shocking. Presidential candidates use MONEY to run their campaigns? I thought they used beads, is that just the natives? As for the lemons, lemonade thing, if you're going to knock that, I expect you were upset when the "liberal media" focused on the fact that Bush was a born again, highly religious man after being a shameless drunk? No? Odd. And what exactly did you want him to say? He's running. That's all he said. And now you know. Mission accomplished. I don't want to say your books didn't say anything logical in the slightest, but I will say that every time I'm in Barnes & Noble I take the ones on display and hide them in various and sundry obscure sections of the store.

There was one refreshing aspect to Obama's announcement: It was nice to see a man call a press conference this week to announce something other than he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. B. Hussein Obama's announcement also included this gem: "I know that I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington. But I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change."

You do realize that the Hussein thing is getting old, right? And you really think that Washington doesn't need a change? Of course you don't. The Jack Abramoff thing wasn't a big deal, who cares if some commie CIA agent gets outed, and as long as Haliburton has contracts, the whole dead soldier thing is no biggie. And, according to you, Afghanistan is going swimmingly, yes?

As long as Obama insists on using Hallmark card greetings in his speeches, he could at least get Jesse Jackson to help him with the rhyming. If Obama's biggest asset is his inexperience, then if by the slightest chance he were elected and were to run for a second term, he will have to claim he didn't learn anything the first four years. There was also this inspirational nugget: "Each and every time, a new generation has risen up and done what's needed to be done. Today we are called once more, and it is time for our generation to answer that call." Is this guy running for president or trying to get people to switch to a new long-distance provider?

Apparently, if the speech isn't just "STAYTHECOURSESTAYTHECOURSESTAYTHECOURSETERROR
TERROTERRORSTAYTHECOURSE" it doesn't register on your radar

He said that "we learned to disagree without being disagreeable." (There goes Howard Dean's endorsement.) This was an improvement on the first draft, which read, "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." This guy's like the ANWR of trite political aphorisms. There's no telling exactly how many he's sitting on, but it could be in the billions. Obama's famed eloquence reminds me of a book of platitudes I read about once called "Life Lessons." The book contained such inspiring thoughts as: "When was the last time you really looked at the sea? Or smelled the morning? Touched a baby's hair? Really tasted and enjoyed food? Walked barefoot in the grass? Looked in the blue sky?" (When was the last time you fantasized about dismembering the authors of a book of platitudes?) I can't wait for Obama's inaugural address when he reveals that he loves long walks in the rain, sunsets, and fresh-baked cookies shaped like puppies.

You're so right, I love hearing things like "The best way to defeat the totalitarian of hate is with an ideology of hope -- an ideology of hate -- excuse me --with an ideology of hope." and "I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." Oh yeah, and I love when Bush talks about his "eck-a-lectic" reading list! Oh, Obama, when are you going to stop inspiring people and start being a complete idiot?

The guy I feel sorry for is Harold Ford. The former representative from Tennessee is also black, a Democrat, about the same age as Obama, and is every bit as attractive. The difference is, when he talks, you don't fantasize about plunging knitting needles into your ears to stop the gusher of meaningless platitudes. Ford ran as a Democrat in Republican Tennessee and almost won — and the press didn't knock out his opponent for him by unsealing sealed divorce records, as it did for B. Hussein Obama.

Notice how Ann never mentions the fact that Harold B. Ford's campaign was completely sabotaged by his Republican opponent. An interesting omission. Also, she fails to mention the fact that Harold Ford has never expressed a desire to run for president, and certainly did not speak about running, nor is he even in the Senate anymore.

Yet no one ever talks about Ford as the second coming of Cary Grant and Albert Einstein. Maybe liberals aren't secret racists expunging vast stores of white guilt by hyperventilating over B. Hussein Obama. Maybe they're just running out of greeting card inscriptions.

Or maybe Harold Ford:
1. Is no longer in the Senate
2. Is not running for president
3. Was on each and every political talk show going up to and shortly after the presidential race speaking about the dirty and nearly pornographic political tricks of his opponent.

That's all for this week. Tune in next week for Debunking Ann: The February 21st one.